Higher standards in love & relationship (FREE TO READ)
Tips to hold yourself where you're meant to be
I’m sitting on his lap, but my brain is running at hyper-speed. Everything in me is screaming to put up a fight. We’d just traveled for 10+ hours back from Hawaii, and my system is fried. I’m days away from bleeding, so the sensitivity is budding. How can I do this moment from the deepest part of me? How can I bring my best self to the table????
I’m finding things to fight about in my head. In a few days time, I’d probably be mad at myself for even bringing it up because it’s so un-relevant to our life and the moment. It’s one of those days. Where somewhere inside I can tell that it’s literally just a lack of sleep, and half day sitting on my ass in an airplane, and not enough sun, and having a stomach ache from taking mushrooms a few nights prior. And yet, the sensation in my body is strong.
Get it out!!!! It doesn’t matter!!!! Complain!!! Blame! Do whatever you can do to throw up the feelings you’re having inside yourself!!!!!
But I know I don’t want to do what I used to do in partnership years prior. (Exactly that. Word vomit, complain, blame, put it all on him to fix, and disregard the fact that he’s exhausted and has a ton on his plate). Nope. Not today.
“I’m holding myself to higher standards”, I thought. It’s something I’m always tracking, and something I think most people let fall to the wayside.
I think there’s a fine line between holding ourselves to higher standards and getting neurotic and "‘safe’ with our expression.
I know women- smart, beautiful, talented friends of mine- who find themselves sitting in anxiety, not knowing what to respond to a text from a man they’re dating… because they want to do it right.
Here’s the thing: when you can do relationship right/wrong… or when you’re walking on a tight rope of “this could be over any minute from now, so I’m in danger”, then of course your expression will be halted and your feelings of fear will be at an all time high, simply being in connection. This is not what I am promoting at all.
In fact, I know that I can bring anyyyyything to Allan, and it will all be okay. Rage, fucked up mess, Kali, depressed Sally, what the fuck ever. That doesn’t mean there won’t be impact, there will- on us both. So, it’s not that I aim to hold myself to higher standards because it’s not okay, because my partner can’t take it, or because it will down-spiral us. I trust my man enough to know that he will and can put a boundary up when needed (this was an initiation we’ve walked through together, but that’s a story for another day, or inside Union Paradigm, our free masterclass series later this month)!
Holding ourselves to higher standards might look like…
Taking a breath to pause before responding
Going for a walk when we’re feeling angry to not explode on to our loved ones
Taking our undies off under the table to show our partner “I’m available” // if the normal pattern is to shut off when he doesn’t initiate right away
Running through a situation with a relationship coach and asking how you could have done it in a way that would’ve created more love
While getting safe + neurotic with our expression might look like….
Holding true feelings inside out of fear that the person won’t be able to meet you in them
Trying to polarize them into their masculine or feminine in every interaction in a way that puts you into your head, addressing what to do in every move
Not taking risks with the bigness of your desire, and so giving up and getting eventually resentful
Acting in a way a coach/influencer told you is “feminine” or “masculine”, right or wrong- even when it doesn’t feel true to your being or the moment
Why do so many people repeat the same relationship patterns over and over again?
Because patterns are insidious. We get them from our parents who get them from their parents- and unless we choose to be the link in the chain who does it differently, we just pass it along again and again. To our lovers, to our children… to ourselves.
And unless we actively will ourselves out of the old… by seeing the pattern, accepting it as us, and then doing whatever we need to do to change it (therapy, coaching, embodiment, somatic healing, etc.)… we perpetuate it.
Here’s the thing that makes it tricky: Nobody really sees what patterns are alive in you… behind the closed doors of your own home.
It’s easy to yell at your partner with disgust in your heart… in your bedroom where nobody else can watch.
It’s easy to curse under your breath to your child when they don’t do what you want them to… in the car on the way to school.
You can do it because nobody sees. (Or so your ego believes).
When you hold yourself to higher standards with food and work- I believe partly it’s because people in the outside world will recognize you for those achievements! “Your bodyyyy omg, you look so good Sarah!” “You’re making millions now, omg Andy!” People *may* react this way if you get married or have kids, but we all know that tying the knot or bringing souls earthside doesn’t have to mean you’re doing it in a good way… in a soul satisfying way… in a way that seeks to end suffering for you and those you love. And you might already be married or have your kids grown up. And so then in that case, when nobody is left to see you for all that you do there… who’s going to witness your growth?
Why invest in and hold yourself to higher standards in all the places that most people won’t see? I’ll tell you why.
Because at least 2 people see e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g: You (your soul) + God.
Not to mention your lover and kids, whom are actually THE MOST important people to witness you from your depth- because they are mirrors for you to know yourself, and because you are changing their lives on such a deep level by the way you show up. Plus, the way you behave in love is impacting waaayyyyyyyyyy more than you imagine in every dimension of your life.
And yet, some part of you believes that… you’ve got a free pass.
But no.
You don’t.
Your Soul sees it all, becomes from it all.
God sees it all, gifts to you what you are a match to, from it all.
Here’s what helps me hold myself to higher standards in love and relationship:
Knowing that… this is my life. And I can walk through sleeping… just doing the same thing I’ve always done (we always do this to an extent, btw). Or, I can be awake in the dream and ask myself what I want to create, and who I want to be.
Remembering the few couples I look up to who do it differently… who’ve shared story and example of the way they move through the things. Letting the form from another woman who’s been in my place find me. Pulling on a memory. Feeling not alone. Thanking the people who are walking the walk.
Channeling my inner goddess and being in prayer with Her. Because when I get sucked down into the mess of my own patterns, I lose touch with her. And so to press play into the lover I can be, all I need to do is connect. Feel her. Let her move through me. Open my heart as her. Touch the pulse of life.
Having a relationship coach I admire and trust who holds me accountable.
Knowing that… there’s impact. On body. On him. On next steps. Nothing happens in a vacuum. Our bodies are so intelligent; they’re constantly listening to the cues we give; our organs are literally moving with our emotional states. Relationship is a 2 way street. You get what you give. It’s all cycling through. The more epic you are, the more epic he is back. And your life is always up-cycling or down-cycling with you. There’s always impact. So you get to choose… if the impact is powerfully positive or sucking you down into the grit. It’s like this: if you want to poop in your own bed, fine. But be prepared to sit in it.
Imagining my clients are a fly-on-the-wall. This one has supported me as a mentor myself for years. It’s about integrity. I’m here to walk my own walk. I’m here to live inside of a way. And so, if I imagine that my clients and followers are really with me… not only when I’m broadcasting online, but when I’m making the simple and mundane choices every day, I choose from my highest. I believe that not only does this support my choices, but it also attracts the most delightful clients into my practice.
I know as my Substack readers, you totally have your own angles that help you hold higher standards for yourself in love. Care to share in the comments below? (Inspire me!)
And then before we wrap up, I want to invite you first. 👉👉👉👉👉 Allan and I are hosting a *free* 3-day masterclass series called Union Paradigm at the end of this month. We’re teaching the initiations you face on your way into sacred union, debunking polarity myths, and setting you up for a magnificent relationship. And we’re bringing you soooooo much in it that we’ll actually sell the course after it runs live! If you feel resonant with this work, we’d love to have you.All you have to do is leave your name and email right here, and then you’re in.
XO